These 7 mutually-contradictory rules are aimed at writers actually making a TV show. That’s not most of my readers. And right now, it’s not the writer of this blog either. But I think there’s something for everyone here in the next chapter of Writing That Sitcom - which you can get as an eBook here:
Rule One: Remember That You Don’t Really Know What You’re Doing
It’s an often repeated maxim by writers, but it’s no less true for it. ‘Nobody knows anything.’ Bear in mind this was said by William Goldman, the writer of successful movies and novels (including All the President’s Men, The Princess Bride, Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid, Marathon Man, A Bridge Too Far). If anyone has any right to claim they know something, it is William Goldman. And yet, he is the one who tells us that none of us really knows what they’re doing.
How does this help us? Scripts are slippery fish and very tricky to pin down. You do not have all the answers and should not think that you do. You do need a creative vision for your show. You need guts and determination to see it through. But you are not Leonardo Da Vinci, a genius in a world of dullards. You’ve written a script that you think will probably be funny once shot, edited, graded, broadcast and viewed in people’s living rooms. That’s about as good as it gets.
The point is that if you have a strong sense of your own flaws, you might be easy to work with and nice. You might listen to good advice. Your director or producer’s suggestion that a scene is too complicated or confusing will be met with humility. The subsequent rewrite will, most likely, make the show better. Embrace this. You need all the help you can get.
Rule Two: Remember That You Do Have a Rough Idea of What You’re Doing
However, you do know roughly what you’re doing. You do know what your show is about, you know who your characters are and you know that jokes need to be clear and comprehensible.
Things can be thrown in last minute that really lift the show, or the episode. A highly talented and creative actor sometimes says ‘Wouldn’t it be funny if I said x?’ or ‘Wouldn’t it be funnier if I did y?’. Sometimes the correct answer is ‘Yes. Do that. Say that.' But sometimes you feel in your gut that’s the wrong way to go. Ideas or jokes can creep in that feel wrong, or are out of character, or are only funny if you already know how the scene is meant to run. Things can easily get overcooked. If you’re confident you have a rough idea of what you’re doing, you’ll know when to say ‘no’ to these ideas. And that will be fine because you might have had the grace to say ‘yes’ to other suggestions and ideas.
Rule Three: Don’t Assume That No-one Else Knows What They’re Doing
You’re the writer. It’s your show. We get it. I put it like this because it’s easy to slip into a siege mentality – the ‘they’re-ruining-my-amazing-show’ way of thinking. Usually, grounds for paranoia are unfounded. Maybe you’re a good writer, but it’s quite likely that everyone else on the set is equally good at what they do. Maybe better. They are probably more experienced. You’ll discover your art department worked on the original series of Yes, Prime Minister or Porridge – stuff you grew up watching. They’ve done this before. Many times. And they’re making the most of what’s on the page. Are you a hundred per cent confident in what you’ve put on that page? (See Rules One & Two).
Undoubtedly, shows can be ruined by conflicting agendas. The channel feels it’s paid for one type of show, the casting agent feels she’s casting a different type of show and/or the director likes to think he’s shooting a movie – and none of these overlap with the show in your head. But normally the warning signs are there early on with such clashes and conflicts. They need to be sorted out early. If you’re convinced the show the channel wants and the show your producer is making and the show you want to write are not the same show, address this before shooting. Also bear in mind that plenty of shows have all these problems of conflicting agendas and still turn out okay – or prove to be hits for reasons that were not predicted by anyone.
Rule Four: Don’t Assume That Everyone Else Knows What They’re Doing
A TV Production is a well-oiled machine. As long as you feed it with decent scripts. But there are always problems. Your three hours of broadcast television probably has about a hundred scenes, which will involve a lot sets, props, costumes and lights. There’ll probably be some location filming which will involve trying to find affordable venues at the right time of day – with the right cast. And it can't happen as you'd like. Or your pencilled-in guest star might get a better offer to be in a movie or, even better, their own detective series on ITV.
Given all of the above, stuff will go wrong. You will spot some problems on the horizon. You will be asked to approve a specially made prop that is technically correct but still hopelessly wrong. (see also Spinal Tap/Stonehenge incident). Maybe the props buyer or maker was being overly literal, but the odds are that they had to guess because the script didn’t specify every last detail because you cut out loads of description because your producer told you to make the script shorter and you couldn’t bear to cut any of the jokes. So it’s your own fault.
If someone on the crew is being difficult or stupid, bear in mind that one of their kids might be in hospital and they’ve got more important things on their mind. Or, more likely, this might be the fourth show they’ve worked on that year. They’ve just done a sitcom set on a Nuclear Submarine, a comedy drama set in a Caribbean Hotel (but filmed near Penzance) and a Sunday Night TV period cop show in Bath. They’ve been busy. You’ve thought about nothing else but your show for the last year. Give them a break. Or at least help them help you.
Rule Five: There Is Never Enough Money
This rule needs no explanation. There isn't enough money, no matter what you're making and no matter how big the budget. Everyone feels they should be paid more. Everyone feels they should have a bigger budget. Everyone would like to take longer over the shot. Everyone one like one more take. It’s television. It’s not going to happen.
Rule Six: Remember, Everyone Wants The Show To Be Good
No-one actively wants the show to be bad. I'm sure there are notable exceptions of sabotage but they're rare. Everyone’s doing their best to make the best show they can with the time and money they have – and the script they’ve been given. That's the only bit you ultimately control. So give each scene a few more minutes. Clarify that direction. Do your homework. And above all, be grateful that your job is infinitely easier, more interesting and better paid than most jobs in the world.
Rule Seven: Be Nice To The Runner
Because it’s good to be nice. But also because she’ll probably be BBC Head of Comedy in 15-20 years and if you’re a pretentious nob or a thoughtless jerk, she’ll probably remember. And she will have told all her friends, who will be producers, execs and Channel Controllers. In short: behave. And get over yourself.
Want to have a TV show in production?
Course you do. It all starts with a script, which needs to show that you can be trusted to write an episode of a TV show. Your spec script almost certainly has some common but fixable problems in it. You don’t need to spend hundreds of pounds on a script reader or editor to find them out. This could save you a lot of money:
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