Do you want to be a writer? Or do you like the idea of being a writer? Or do you like the idea of being considered a writer? These are all very different things.
Here’s my advice: Don't be a writer.
Over at the Village Voice in 2009, screenwriter Josh Olson wrote “If someone can talk you out of being a writer, you're not a writer.”
So before we embark on this sacred quest together, let me try and get you to turn back by questioning your motives. Why do you really want to be a writer? Here are eight terrible reasons to be a writer.
1. You want to make money
Most writers do not make enough to live on. I have no idea what it is for screenwriters in general, but Adam Bromley, who runs e-Publisher PiqWiq, wrote this about publishing:
The average earnings of a professional writer in the UK are £28,340 which sounds acceptable, unless you don't factor the extreme variability and riskiness of their income. Of course the average is skewed heavily by the big earners, the ten percent of authors who make fifty percent of the sales. If you take a median income for writers, it's £12,300. Bearing in mind that's the figure that splits your sample in two equal halves, there will be plenty below the £12,300 mark or just above minimum wage. Consider this paradox: the lowliest, entry-level employee in a major publishing concern earns more than most writers... Proper authors with reviews in newspapers and the TLS earn less than the minimum wage.
There is money in screenwriting. But not lots. Certainly not for many. A little at most for some. If you want to make money, work in the city, start a Ponzi scheme (the two might be linked), get a paper round or start a business. They will all be hard work but they are more likely to pay off than writing. Writing is every bit as hard as those things. Often harder. And a bad way of making money. So if that's your motivation, give up now. Turn back.
2. It sounds fun
Writing can be fun. You may be able to picture yourself tapping away on a MacBook Air, sipping a latte in an independent bohemian coffee-cum-bookshop. It usually isn't. If you're actually making money at it, it’s often screaming at the wall, writing to deadlines, cutting scenes because they're too expensive to shoot, cutting jokes because someone important thinks the audience won't understand it and then rewriting, rewriting, rewriting. You're not in some artisan coffeehouse. You're in a busy Starbucks full of tables that haven't been cleaned trying to connect to the wi-fi to send off draft 9 of your script to be torn to shreds by the producer, executive producer and script editor. Oh yes, and bear in mind most of your scripts do not end up on TV. Of the ones that do, the version that is broadcast is an edited version of draft 12. Hard work and fun are not mutually exclusive. But writing is way harder work than most people imagine.
3. You want to be famous
Ha ha. Seriously? No-one cares who the writer is. No-one. Except other writers, who are themselves nobodies. And most of them will be full of resentment rather than admiration. In the sitcom field, people have heard of Richard Curtis and that Father Ted guy (the ones who realise it wasn't all made up by Ardal O’Hanlon on the spot). Being a writer is a brilliant way of finding obscurity, being left out and not being invited to award ceremonies.
4. You want to meet famous people
You will meet some famous people. But bear in mind you're the unkempt backroom geek writer. They're not all that wild about meeting you. And if you do meet them, they may have ‘some thoughts’ on the script that might make you want to cry. Get back to Starbucks, Specky, and write the next episode.
5. You’re pretty sure you have a good idea for a movie or a novel that would be successful
Ideas are priceless. And worthless. If you want to be a writer, execution is everything. If you want a sitcom on TV, you have to be able to write three hours of television. And then be able to do it all again, but different and better. That’s a lot of script, dialogue, plot and jokes. One big idea will not sustain. It's all about character, pace, sub-text, direction and casting. As well as a decent idea in the first place that hits the right person at the right time.
6. People have told you you’re funny
People say a lot of things. And there’s a big difference between making people laugh with off-the-cuff remarks, or even jokes you’ve heard others say, and writing a script. If you’re naturally funny, stand-up comedy might be a better place to start. After all, the world needs more stand-up comedians.
7. You have Important Things To Say
Go into politics. Or, even better, don't.
8. You write because you have to
It’s a bad reason. But it’s the best reason. It’s the only reason, because there is no good reason to be a writer, unless you absolutely have to be a writer, can't imagine a world in which you're not and would do it for nothing if you could, which is just as well because that's how much you'll make for quite a long time.
So if you’re still up for this, let’s get going. Cue Opening Titles.
MUSIC OVER SCENE IN STARBUCKS-TYPE COFFEE SHOP.
MOVE IN ON SLIGHTLY OVERWEIGHT, BEARDED MAN IN GLASSES, AROUND 40 YEARS OLD1. HE IS TAPPING AWAY AT A MACBOOK PRO, LISTENING TO MUSIC ON HEADPHONES, OCCASIONALLY GAZING AROUND AND GETTING OUT HIS IPAD MINI AND PLAYING CANDY CRUSH.
This scene will continue, metaphorically, next time.
If you can’t wait, you can get the whole book, Writing That Sitcom, as a PDF right now here. Or the audio version here.
I’m now in my late forties. And I’ve lost a fair bit of that weight.
Warning: Turn Back Now